From scarcity to abundance and compassion - ENGLISH

This time I would like to share with you a story of a different kind. It is neither a travel report, nor does it contain the magic of nature. Rather, I share with you a process that I have recently made, and which probably many of you have already experienced in a similar way several times. It is a story of true wealth, but I was inspired to write it out of a sense of scarcity. The story is based on the feeling of financial lack, but it goes far beyond that and also deals with the source of all lacks; the lack of love and trust. But don't worry, my story will not send you into nonsensical depths of all evil, but will tell you above all how out of a feeling of lack true abundance can be recognized and compassion can grow. The story accompanies you through a valuable process for me, and I hope that you can also take something for yourself. The reason that brought me to write this story is a scam. An internet scam, to be exact. It's the second time in my life that I fall for something like that and accordingly I'm a bit ashamed of it. But I would like to jump over this shadow and round off my process with these lines. Although it will certainly not be over. For a long time there has been the desire in me to own the compact, but high quality Sony Alpha 6400 for our travel, nature and blog photography. A new purchase was out of the question for me for two reasons: first, the high price by our standards, and second, resistance to the mass production of electrical goods in the world of capitalism. So both a feeling of financial lack and idealism led me to look around on the second-hand market. The subject of this story will be rather the former. Accordingly, I've been looking for this camera on a well-known classifieds platform for months. But even there, it is sometimes highly traded. Again and again there was this voice inside me, which tried to talk me out of buying it: "You don't have enough money to afford a camera now", "There are more important investments", "You don't need a super camera, the cell phone is enough", "You won't get the full benefit of the camera anyway, because you have enough other things to do", etc. They were probably right to a certain extent. But above all, a very specific feeling was inherent in them: the feeling of scarcity and not being able to afford what I want. Every time I walk through the Swedish forest here, past all the ice sculptures, moss mandalas and magical winter landscapes, my passion for photography is awakened. But when I pull out my cell phone camera and the result remains mostly unsatisfactory, then I want to whistle at the feeling of lack, which denies me the purchase of this camera. So these two sides in me wrestled for quite a while in the background of my consciousness. A few days ago it was the time: With 400 euros, appeared a comparatively cheap offer. A purchase agreed with my gut feeling. Since I had already fallen victim to a scam in the past via this platform, my head turned on with a skepticism. However, the profile seemed different to me than the scammer's from back then. This one had good ratings, had been running for several years, and had other ads on it that inspired confidence. Nothing pointed to a scammer. When I contacted the supposed seller, he didn't hesitate to send me a photo of his ID card via a messanger. With that, he had me. Because while I had a lot of trouble finding out the name and place of residence of the scammers in the last scam, I thought I was safe with this ID. So I paid the money, naively without buyer protection. Following a bad hunch, I contacted "Benjamin" again a few days later (I'd rather not use his real name here). At first he did not answer me at all. After I tried to call him, he sent me a "GIF" via the messanger, an animation in which a particularly cool-looking guy spat sardonically to the side. This was followed by words that made it clear that "Benjamin" was making fun of me. Many emotions swirled through me. First and foremost, an immense anger. Anger against the cheater, as well as against myself. Inwardly, I berated myself for my stupidity and felt great remorse towards Lou that I had so carelessly lost a sum of money that was quite high for us. The dream of capturing the beauty of the Scandinavian landscape with the Sony Alpha 6400 soon came to an abrupt end, because the money was now gone. I was shocked at the meanness of the scammer to even make fun of me so brazenly. Part of me would have liked to grab him by the collar and force him to give me the money back.

After the first surge of anger could sink, I would have liked to talk to this person instead. Looked him in the eyes, in order to deal with him in this way somehow more humanly. But neither was possible. The most difficult thing for me to endure was this powerlessness that came with the Internet scam. He was somebody, somewhere and that's exactly what I was for him. A nobody from somewhere; an invisible victim who got into his virtual net. Again and again the animation flashed before my inner eye, again and again I saw the spit flying out of the mouth of the virtual man. It was just an animation and yet it felt like just such a mean guy was standing in front of me and making fun of me. I was reminded of my school days. In one of the schools I attended, there were some of these "wannabe gangsters" who roamed the schoolyard in gangs of brothers, taking pleasure in humiliating others by acts such as spitting on them. At that time, this was part of everyday life for me. But now, some fifteen years later, I was stunned at how mean people could be. Victim stories came up. After all, I had told "Benjamin" that it was a lot of money for me and that I hoped he was honest, since I had been cheated before. How could he just go through with his scam, how could he be so uncaring about how others were doing with it? Once again I became aware of the other worlds that existed, most of which I didn't hear much about. The majority of people I am in contact with are honest, compassionate and know how to approach love. Do I stay too much in a "bubble" that I am too careless with "others"? For quite a while, thoughts and feelings circled around me. I knew I could have just gotten up and moved on, but for some reason I surrendered to the paralysis of the process. This is mean! This is unfair! I'm so stupid! The other guy is stupid, a fucking asshole! Then a ray of hope; Elouan, my almost two-year-old son, brought me a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. "Papa, O'sche! Papa, O'sche!" he whooped as he did so. And as I drank the juice he rejoiced, a laughter bubbling up from his honest heart.

This little boy, who himself loves the fresh juice of the oranges so much, did not leave it alone to get into this enjoyment. No, it was important to him that I also got some of this precious delicacy. Yes, after I had finished drinking, he even hurried to the kitchen once more and returned with the rest of his own juice. With beaming eyes, he held out his glass to me and clapped his hands as I gratefully emptied it, full of joy at sharing with me and experiencing my pleasure in doing so. You will never be as mean as this Benjamin! You will meet people with the kindness of your heart, I thought to myself, and took Elouan lovingly in my arms. Then Lou joined me as well, and we all cuddled together for a moment. This was worth much more than all the money in the world. What were a few hundred euros against this space of love, which Lou, Elouan and I shared with each other. Moreover, we are richly blessed with the fact that, for an exchange of work, we can live for a while in a house in the middle of the Swedish forest. Nature, clean water, silence, peace. All this surrounds us.

This "Benjamin", on the other hand, probably lives in some shabby neighborhood in a stinking city, or in a boring village surrounded by industry and monoculture. He is certainly not surrounded by people who love him unconditionally or whom he himself sincerely loves. These thoughts were only speculations of anger, but I became aware of how much lack this person had to experience, that he chose such a way to gain money. Yes, he doesn't even take money from the rich and give it to the poor, as Robin Hood would have done. On some level, that would still be kind of honorable. Instead, "Benjamin" targets those who don't have much money themselves. I still felt the anger inside me, but little by little it turned into compassion. What does he need the money for? Is he perhaps addicted to heroin? I have heard many times that people will do anything for their dope. Does he just not know any other way to survive? I'm sure his father rarely gave him a loving tease. He was probably forbidden all sorts of things as a toddler that would help a child develop in a positive way. Perhaps he was regularly yelled at, possibly even beaten. For sure, he quickly learned that he only gets what he wants by being elbowed, coupled with cheating and trickery. Whatever circumstances he had grown up in, they probably turned a small, innocent human being, into a callous egotist. That's my story, anyway. Once again I understood the extent of the imprint of the earliest experiences, what influence the parents have on the entire life of a human being, and those whom this person will meet. Gratitude and pride filled me to be able to give my son other values to take with him on his way. Elouan will live the life of a rich person. Rich in love and joy of life. And he will be an enrichment for the world to the people he will meet. All this richness, which we can experience, is missing "Benjamin".

Finally, my process from anger to compassion went one level deeper. For I realized that I was putting myself and the life I was living above him and his. After all, I had no idea who he really was and how he lived and what moved him to do this. Again, I looked back to my school days when the big gangster brothers faced me broad-shouldered. The fear of being put in the trash can, as they had done to many others, was intense. Or to find myself hanging by my underpants on a fence post, so that it hurt like hell in my crotch. But through my fear, I knew already then that such people merely pass on what they themselves had experienced through others. In whatever way. But in me at that time there was no pure compassion, inwardly I placed myself above these gangsters. I disdained their deeds and considered not those who were put in the barrel, but they themselves, as the real losers and failures. That's exactly how I was doing it now with "Benjamin." My process had led me to see not myself, who was after all the deceived one, as the loser, but "Benjamin", who was the victim of his circumstances. I clearly placed myself above him and judged how he is and who he is, without knowing him and without having knowledge of his true motives. Well, I am not free of that even now. And probably my suspicions would be more confirmed if we were to face each other. But I cannot be sure. Then a realization, a look into the mirror of multidimensional truths: Wasn't the same lack inherent in me, which had led "Benjamin" to perform this deed? Was it not my own financial narrowness which had led to falling for him in the first place? So it was finally this that had brought our lives together: the feeling of lack. In this case, the lack of money. Such things attract each other.

Only now, when I recognized this common vice, which connects us, I had the feeling to arrive on the same level with "Benjamin". And yet it is difficult for me to feel pure sympathy with a net cheat, whom I have never once had standing in front of me, who did not even reveal himself to me as a real person. And that's fine with me for now. I allow myself to be angry, because anger shows and protects my limits. Small steps also bring one forward on the path. Especially since they usually happen with more mindfulness. Maybe I was just unlucky. That would be easier to say and then I would find self-affirmation in my anger with ease. Then it would just be a matter of forgiving myself. But to be completely honest with myself: if I had waited until I had the impression that I could afford the camera at a higher price, or wanted to, then I probably would not have fallen into the net of a scammer. Everything comes back. One way or another. Interestingly, this year I resolved to let go of the feeling of narrowness, especially on a financial level, and to open up to abundance. Such New Year's resolutions are always easy to say and sometimes harder to implement. But I didn't resolve on New Year's Day to change my attitude toward money overnight. Rather, I set a goal to dedicate myself to this topic. To stop skipping over it when it comes up in my life. Since then, life has been playing out for me. This fraud case is not the first time this year that I have had to deal with feeling like money was being unfairly taken away from me in one way or another. However, in both cases, I also realized that the money lost didn't really hurt. When I go into the head, though, the anger and the feeling of lack is great because we have no apparent flow of money. By that I mean that our expenses are currently greater than our income. Basically, we have no income at all right now and it is still unclear when, how and where we will be able to get some money in again soon. The side effect of the free life we have chosen. We are rich in time for our family life, in time to be there for our son, but there is a lack of cash flow for that.

We follow our dream to find a place that suits us, as well as people who suit us, in order to live a consciously lived life in deep connection with nature. But sometimes there are dry stretches on this path, and again and again we have to turn back, or take a fork in this clear path, so that I take some job somewhere to earn a little money. We use the opportunity to test our creative spirit by giving ourselves spaces for writing, painting, photography, music, nature connection, etc., but we have not yet found a way to create a material value for ourselves. By all means I do not feel really free from this accompanying feeling of narrowness even after my last process and also up to here. Purely mathematically, we are moving towards a minus, and the idea of red numbers set off an inner alarm in me. But isn't this tightness basically an unnecessary restriction of our happiness? What is this "small" loss of money compared to the truly existential difficulties faced by many other people in this world? How can I complain as a victim when I am basically doing so well? Such thoughts make me feel lighter on the one hand, but they also arouse something like guilt in me: as if, compared to others, I am not allowed to get upset about four hundred euros, when others have to endure really bad strokes of fate. Isn't this restriction of feelings somehow also a kind of lack? The feeling of not being allowed to give space to such feelings because only others have the right to feel bad? A little question for the really big ones ;)

Only after an extensive bath in my stubborn feelings, only after a pleasant round of cuddling with my loved ones and an extensive walk in the rain in the forest, where my grief could flow away with the melody of the ice stream, I managed after a few deep breaths to let my head rest a little and simply feel quite honestly inside myself. There, in the silent melodies of pure nature, I culd finally forgive myself. And that was the most important step to do! Finally it was no longer a matter of head, but of inner peace, which proved to me that it doesn't matter at all whether we have these four hundred euros more or less. We are doing well either way. And also, whether we or I now own the excellent Sony Alpha 6400, or we continue to photograph the wonders of our journey with the cell phone camera, or preserve them in the sharpest quality in our memories, is not really of essential importance. It would certainly be enriching on some level to have this camera, but the true richness, the true fullness, lies somewhere else entirely. I recognize it when my son laughs heartily because he shares his orange juice with me. I can find it when Lou and I lie in each other's arms while our little rascal jumps on top of us. I can find it when the spring song echoes through the forest, or when I take a deep sip from the stillness of the lake. In what, then, lies our true abundance? Of course. In the love of life. And in trusting that we will always have enough to realize our happiness. With these words I close this little story and go down to my beloved. In a reawakened awareness of the abundance that always surrounds and indwells me. Thank you for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts with me. If you would like to be informed about new blog-posts, join our Telegram channel :) https://t.me/+ZzIlydfDdLAxYTAy